Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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