I cut my penus on the lid.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
