You're a womanizer and a bitch.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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