I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
