i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i believe in u and ur pee
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
