I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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