my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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