I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
