I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
