I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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