just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
