I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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