my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
