Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
