I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
two words...techno handjob
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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