Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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