I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
