The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My breasts were aching with rage.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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