when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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