I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
