Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
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