apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
