Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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