Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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