Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
