his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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