You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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