She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
