it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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