I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
