I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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