I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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