remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
