Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
