fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
This house was built for laser tag.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
