I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Panties = found
Randomize
