New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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