my phone needs a breathalizer
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
