the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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