I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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