Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
