Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
