You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
