I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When are your genitals available?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
