I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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