My Higher Power is John Stamos
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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