a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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