Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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