I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
