You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
