i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
