I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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