i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
