i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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