I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm drive I can fine osifer
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
