My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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