How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
