i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My feet surprised me
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