I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
