just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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